I’ve realized that I don’t actually speak the language of this part of the country. This is a helpful guide for anyone that finds themselves lost in the South.
I’m just looking for a little truth in advertising
I’ve been a Mac user for years, but when Apple sent me the email this morning announcing the super special White iPhone 4 they just released I could only roll my eyes. After all, it only took them 10 months to get the color right, so it is a big deal.
Here’s what Apple sent me this morning:
Here are a few of my suggestions
If you buy this, you are easily tricked
If you already own an iPhone of any generation and you anticipate you are going to buy a white iPhone, I’m going to have to ask you to stop. Please consider the following:
- It is the same iPhone 4 with the same problems.
- It still knows where you are and will remember it forever.
- Apple will release a new iPhone this year. Maybe not in June, but before November.
- You have to put a case on it, unless you want to drop all of your calls, so it really doesn’t matter what color it is anyway.
Do yourself a favor and buy one less Apple product this year. Just some friendly advice.
I’m the kind of nerd that blogs on my birthday, but I really wanted to write this thing. This concept is cliche and a little tedious, but I did it anyway. Get over it. I just wanted to write what I’ve learned as though I’ve learned anything new or interesting in my 26 years. Sometime soon I’ll add photos, when I feel like caring about it.
1. Snow is the worst.
I live in Salt Lake City, which is alright, except for their “Best Snow On Earth” BS. It’s really the same snow you’d get anywhere else with a similar climate, but only when you’re tired of it being windy and cold. During the regular months of winter, Utah is cold, but rarely snowy. It isn’t until it’s supposed to be warm again that it starts snowing buckets. If you like snow, then you’re probably an evil person.
2. There’s really no reason to be vegan.
I’ve been a vegetarian for almost 12 years and I’m just two years shy of being a vegetarian for half my life. Within those 12 years, I’ve been a vegan for exactly 3 days consecutively. It was extremely hard and vastly unrewarding. You really have to care about animals to be a vegan for longer than 72 hours, and I can’t handle not having delicious cheese inside my body.
3. I hate TV.
I’m not sure how we can have great TV shows like Arrested Development without subsidies from advertisers, but I’m sure we can figure something out. But sitting through commercials, a schedule you can’t tinker with and how much it costs, has ensured that I’m done with cable/satellite forever. Viva la Netflix!
4. Quit your job often.
In the past two years I’ve had two jobs. Before that I had several others. Not being afraid to quit has been the best thing for me. I graduated college and thought I was going to be a journalist. I ended up a “online marketer” but learned a lot of valuable things. When I quit that job and started working for SEO.com, I learned even more. I’m starting to carve out what I want to do in life. The most hackneyed advice is to “do what you love”, but you have to find out what you love by living. So quit your job, change industries often and learn all you can about life.
5. Learn to like sports.
I’ve spent a lot of time in other countries, and I’ve found the absolute fastest way to make a friend is to start up a conversation about sports. Almost everybody has a favorite sport and you can go a long way with people by just getting them started talking about it. Don’t go to crazy in sports fandom, because that can be annoying or even isolating. But being able to talk enough sportsese is a great way to get people talking and make a friend.
6. Take a lot of photos.
I don’t need to explain this. It’s just worth doing.
7. Anyone and everyone can play the guitar.
I’ve made the mistake of being the huge douche bag at every party playing guitar by himself in the corner. Learn how to play the piano or something cool instead.
8. French Fries are like Religion.
Everyone has an opinion about whose is the best and which one is right, but the fact of the matter is they’re all just deep fried potatoes.
9. Nothing is better than snuggling.
I like it. It’s warm.
10. Fashion is a waste of time.
“Don’t you want to look your best?” I look the best when I’m happy and I’m happy when I’m not worried about how I look. This is why I’m wearing the same Weezer hoodie I’ve had for eight years and not forcing myself to vomit.
11. I enjoy being self-aware.
Take that, Sarte! I have no idea what I’m talking about.
12. 80 percent of your problems come from 20 percent of your possible sources.
Find what is causing you the most stress in your life and cut it out completely. Chances are, it’s something minor. Replace with more of whatever is making you happy.
13. Just listen to people.
I can yammer on for days and days. But people like to be listened to. I’ve made a lot more friends by listening.
14. Write like nobody’s reading.
I’ve sort of come to the realization that nobody reads this blog. And that’s just fine with me. I started this because I wanted a place to write, not because I wanted people to think that I was some sort of expert on life and existence. The fact of the matter is that this is the only way to find a voice is learning what works and what doesn’t. And you’re never going to find that out without doing a little bit of terrible blogging. (Also, I got this advice from a terrible bumper sticker about dancing. It’s lame. But I don’t care.)
15. Travel where you live.
I have lived in Utah for 2 years now and still never have gone to Moab. I’ve been all over Europe and the Middle East, but never took three hours to drive down to Moab. I mean, I’ve been plenty of places in the States, but I should take the opportunity before I head off to college in North Carolina.
16. There is not enough time in your life to watch another Michael Bay movie.
He is stealing your money. You wouldn’t sit there as someone robbed your home, would you? Don’t waste the time or money to make him any richer. He’s a huge waste of resources. And a communist.
17. There is nothing more fun than learning.
It’s the very best thing I can think of. Some people like skiing. I love learning new skills. Heck, learning to ski was way more fun that actually skiing. Whenever I learn how to do new things that improve my current talents and skill set, it makes me feel way better about life. Like a natural high or something.
18. Do the things you hate first.
Do them first, do them fast and then don’t worry about them any more.
19. Learn the subjects you were bad at in high school now
I’ve recently started to learn how to do Math, which is a subject I never got better than a C on in high school. But knowing how Math works is important in the world. Likewise, all the kids who did well in Math in high school are still writing definately on Facebook. Let’s use the expanded knowledge we’ve gained in the last decade to pick up those subjects that were lost on us. For some of us, that means reading The Scarlet Letter. For me it means Algebra. There’s no reason not to try now. We should be smarter, right?
20. Eat candy and cake.
People who hate certain foods have rape dungeons. Carbs aren’t bad, sodium isn’t bad, fat’s not bad and neither is sugar. What’s bad is eating too much and sitting around watching the Bachelor. That’s what too many people are doing now. Eat what you like but not more than you’re willing to burn off for the day.
Hot on the heels of the last life lesson is this: get up and run you fat face! (I yelled into the mirror) Our ancestors had to chase down their food for days, but we eat whatever we want whenever we want. Our body has a primordial need to run around and exercise- don’t deny it that.
22. Rarely, in an argument, is anyone right.
We only think we’re right. If I write anything else, people are going to start fighting me on it.
23. Do what you love in your spare time too.
People say “find what you love and do it for a living”. I propose finding what you like and doing that for money and then doing what you love in your spare time. That means at the very least you’ll like your job, but you’ll learn to make better use of your spare time too. Why wouldn’t you want to maximize your fun?
24. Pizza is the best food in the world.
It just is. My grandmother always said she’d just as soon eat the box than the pizza, but she grew up in an era when blacks couldn’t drink from the same fountain as her. So I’m going to say that she had a few things wrong.
25. Twitter is the best social networking site
Twitter is a conversation, it’s minimal and it’s fun. It helps you find people who have the same interests as you, who can help you solve problems and are experts at what they do. Rarely when I ask something on Twitter do I get crappy answers. Just try asking a serious question on facebook. See how many fart jokes you get.
26. Birthdays aren’t worth celebrating.
I’m 26 today. I went to work, danced around in a hail storm, called my mom, had a nice dinner with my wife and bought a new hard drive. That’s about all that needs to be done. The whole day doesn’t need to be about you, and the less you demand that, the more fun you’ll have.
I’m doing a little advertising experiment on the blog, not because I’m trying to make this a revenue stream or anything, but because I want to see if I can raise money through this site. If I can help offset the costs of my hosting or whatever, that’d be nice.
I’m going to keep the ads discrete for the time being, and I’m going to have a series of them in Google Labs, just to see which ones perform better than others and which ones are the least annoying to everyone.
In the future, I’d like to expand this blog into a place where I can sell cool things like shirts and the such, but as for right now, lowering the cost of my server will have to be done with some old school adsense. Sorry about that.
My wife is awesome. She’s a very cute person, always supportive of any crazy scheme I come up with and is a an aspiring writer. And she’s started her very own website: Handmade Library.
My wife is a super crafty person (in that she’s artsy and creative, not shrewd and manipulative) and spent the last semester of her college career learning how to hand make books (like a 15th century monk) instead of letting a robot do it like a normal person. The result is amazing little cute books that now fill my living room. But the joy is that she teaches people how to make a book by hand on her new site. I’ve helped her set it up, taught her some CSS/HTML and I think she might even know what FTP is now.
I’m tremendously nerdy and always boring my wife to death with things like algorithm changes, endless details about computer components and yammering on about technical errors on TV shows (i.e. DNA tests on crime shows taking 2 minutes instead of 6 months). And then there’s sports. Let’s not even talk about sports. But she lets me go on insane tangents daily without even wincing. That’s love.
So I feel like I should give her some mad props about her progress in the nerd world. I just wanted to show off her new lovely site award her with a Magnetic Oreo award for entering into the nerdverse officially.
I’m on a computer most of the day. At least 8 hours for my job, and then a few more hours at night working on various personal projects (definitely not porn). In fact, I’m writing this post at 11 pm. And some studies, like this one by the Germans, suggest that staring at a screen might be ruining our sleep.
And although we all know that looking at a screen for several hours a day can ruin your vision, it also puts your brain on overdrive.
In this fun little study by UCLA, surfing the web (*is that a phrase we still use?) can actually make you smarter. Or at least make your brain more active. I guess old people are doing it to curtail Alzheimer’s or something. However, it’s because we’re surfing the web (or using a computer or playing angry birds) that many avid computer users are suffering from terrible sleep.
Here’s the fun thing though, according to that little image, the human mind is more active when using a computer than reading. Now, I’m no scientist but I would assume that if using a computer makes your brain more active than reading, then the inverse is also true: Reading makes your brain slow down and become less active (for lack of a better word). Focusing on reading a book calms the brain and helps you relax.
This isn’t really breaking news- lots of people suggest reading before bed before bed, I’m just saying that this image (helpfully reversed) is all I need to see to convince myself to keep reading this (so boring)
I’ve been sleeping terribly, and maybe this will help. Especially because it’s after midnight and I’m still watching Veronica Mars and blogging. I’m not sure which one of those is worse.
Remember when the commercials for the Super Bowl were more entertaining than the game? Me either. I’ve always been a fan of the big game. But there used to be epic ad spots: Wazzzup, the Budweiser Frogs, the 1984 ad. Now Cars.com isn’t trying anymore and ETrade is still using that baby. And what the hell was with that KIA commercial with the Aztecs?
Despite all the crap that they showed this year, there were some that definitely stood out. Here were my top 5.
5. Fox “The Greatest Ever”
It wouldn’t be a superbowl unless someone spoofed the classic Mean Joe Green commercial. At least Fox made it funny.
4. Bridgestone “Carma”
Three cheers for animatronic beavers helping humans.
3. Doritos “House Sitting”
Doritos produces the best commercials year after year because they have starving artists make them and then pay them $10,000 for it.
2. Volkswagen “Black Beetle”
Alright, I’m a sucker for Beetles and the song Black Betty. Also, I was outraged when they released the New Beetle and it looked like a TT with Down Syndrome. But now I’m excited. And you have to see the YouTube Page to truly appreciate this commercial.
1. Volkswagen “The Force”
Deutsch Inc. Los Angeles. Thank you. Also, reconsider your agency’s name.