Category Archives: Hatelist

White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

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I’m just looking for a little truth in advertising

iphone2 White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

I’ve been a Mac user for years, but when Apple sent me the email this morning announcing the super special White iPhone 4 they just released I could only roll my eyes. After all, it only took them 10 months to get the color right, so it is a big deal.

Here’s what Apple sent me this morning:

original White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

Here are a few of my suggestions

iphone7 White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

Perhaps

iphone5 White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

Maybe simply

iphone1 White iPhone: My Advertising Suggestions

If you buy this, you are easily tricked

If you already own an iPhone of any generation and you anticipate you are going to buy a white iPhone, I’m going to have to ask you to stop. Please consider the following:

  1. It is the same iPhone 4 with the same problems.
  2. It still knows where you are and will remember it forever.
  3. Apple will release a new iPhone this year. Maybe not in June, but before November.
  4. You have to put a case on it, unless you want to drop all of your calls, so it really doesn’t matter what color it is anyway.

Do yourself a favor and buy one less Apple product this year. Just some friendly advice.

Hatelist: Homeland Security

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This is Bull Shit

Homeland Security Hatelist: Homeland Security

One of my absolute favorite websites, ChannelSurfing.net, has been shut down by the department of homeland security. Which is total shit. Because, in my humble opinion, if your job is to look at naked americans, tap phone calls, catch a shoe bomber when he is already on a damn plane, or let this happen to America than you are the effing terrorists.

If Channel Surfing needs a wikileaks style mirror server, they just need to dial up ol’ elkirkmo.

Hatelist- The Mac App Store

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Apple, you’ve failed me. And oh how you’ve failed me.

I’ve used the new Mac App Store twice. The first time was the day it came out. The second time was to see if they had Sponge, this week’s winner of the Magnetic Oreo Award, which —of course— they didn’t. Wait. Three times. I went again to get screenshots for this post. I might use it again in the future, but let’s be honest- it’s pretty much the least useful thing Apple has ever given us.

Unlike my phone, which I use to play Words With Friends while I’m pooping, I actually use my computer to work. So I have the applications I need already. And if I do need an “app” there’s a little thing called the Internet that actually has a bunch of them available for download. I don’t really need a one-stop shop for applications, because I’ve already got one. And I already get that a majority of PC users utilize their state-of-the-art laptop or desktop for solely for facebook stalking and solitare, but those people should just get an iPad and leave the processing power for people who’ll use it.

Another problem with the App Store is that Apple decides what belongs and what doesn’t. I hate having a filtration system between me and my programming buddies out there. Look, if it wasn’t for Rob Johnson, I would never have known about Coda, a product that I use almost daily (And Cabel Sasser will get his Magnetic Oreo Award soon enough. He’s an awesome, awesome person).

Here’s what I would consider buying from the App Store

thanks for nothing mac Hatelist The Mac App Store

The App Store takes away all the fun of discovering a website like OpenSourceMac.org (which hasn’t updated in years, btw) or finding an app like Mongo DB from github.com. It just makes buying applications like a high school party. It shows me who’s popular, who’s fun and who’s new. But it doesn’t show me the kids they didn’t invite, because they’re at home making really great applications in their basements.

In fact, of the ten applications I use most (Chrome, Coda, Final Cut, Photoshop, Twitter, Firefox, Transmission, Think, GarageBand and Handbrake) only three are available on the App store. I’m not interested in games, educational apps or tracking my diet. I’d just use the internet for all of those things (onemorelevel.com, wikipedia.org, dailyburn.com or just set up my own spreadsheet on Google docs). I guarantee you that the majority of people only use three apps on their computers anyway- a browser, a word processor and a game (or two).

Bottom line, if you’re interested in playing Angry Birds on your desktop, sell your iMac and buy an iPad. The sad truth is if you want good “apps”, don’t bother asking Apple- they’ve lost interest in providing those.

Hatelist: John Chow

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john chow1 Hatelist: John Chow

John Chow ruined my life

Okay. That’s a little dramatic. But he is steadily ruining the internet day in and day out. John Chow is an evil person. He makes a lot of money and lives in Canada. John Chow is an affiliate marketer who makes his money by spamming the hell out of people. And he makes a lot of money. We’re talking Jersey Shore money.

The reason I hate John Chow is simple: He’s a liar.

When I first joined Twitter a few years ago, John Chow was one of the first people to follow me. As a courtesy I followed him back. And he even DM’d me for, thanking me for whatever. I felt like I had made a connection in the blogosphere and I was bound to have good things happen from it.

Day in and day out, John Chow gave the most pointless tweets, and since I only followed him and a few other people I actually knew, I saw a lot of what he would tweet. His big thing is tweeting his daily “Pho” (that’s a meal or something in Vietnamese) and he gave it some sort of dumb hashtag like Dot Com Pho or something. He lives in Vancouver, so it was always something Asian and expensive. Then he’d send out a few links a day to blog posts about how he makes $50,000 a month trying to get you to buy stuff from his affiliate program links or whatever.

Then one blessed day, I discovered Friend or Follow, a service that allows you to see who is following you, who you follow and who is actually your friend. I learned that I had been following John Chow for months, maybe a whole year even, and that’s how he amassed something around 75,000 followers. He’s currently down to 56,000, but eff him anyway.

The reason I hate John Chow is because he took something that I liked and ruined it- not unlike molesting one of my cousins or farting on my favorite hat. It’s dickwads like John Chow and those jackoffs that are trying to get me to click on the “free Dell laptop” link that ruined MySpace and Google, and are currently sodomizing Twitter and Facebook. Look, John. I get that you’re rich and that you got rich off of the internet. But none of us care that you did. The people that go to your site are greedy, and would happily kill you and your family for money. Instead of trying to be a resource, you’ve tried to make Twitter a monument to yourself.

If social media marketing and online profiteering is a spectrum, then John Chow is microwaving a kitten and Tim Ferriss is freaking Chester Nimitz. If you want to know the correct way to sell a product online, he’s a good person to start with.